You may want to quit because you are afraid of losing a job, or because your friend or family member who smoked regularly died of lung cancer. Or perhaps your strongest motivating factor may be your family: you want to be around your children as they grow up without feeling like a stinky “grandma” or “grandpa”, and because you do not want to one day become a burden for your children when they have to look after you or watch you die in agonizing pain.
These are all powerful reasons to quit. Yet, you may have discovered that doing something for someone or out of fear works short-term but as soon as the fears go away your motivation starts going down. As soon as you feel less emotionally attached to those “whys”, the monster may start raising its head and pulling you back into the land of “comfort.”
While fear-based motivation may be powerful, it does not last for a lifetime.
However powerful external motivators are, you need to find deeper reasons to help you to quit smoking for good. Deep inside you know that without this you may not stick to your word again, or you find another crutch to deal with your difficult emotions.
If you ever managed to quit short term, by using willpower or rationalizing about harm the cigarettes give to you (or your child), if your crazy life did not get any better, you most likely have found it hard to stick without that cigarette, because another challenge came up, and you used it to cope. Or maybe you were able to forgo a cigarette but found yourself resorting to eating, shopping, sex indulgence, or another kind of addiction instead. All of those distractors and soothers, while do not affect your lungs, may have a detrimental impact on your weight, energy levels, self-esteem, finances, or ability to build long-lasting connections. Subconsciously, you know this, and the fear of dealing with “how to cope” when non-smoking made you more than once postpone quitting or return to a cigarette.
Of course, smoking is an unhealthy habit, and of course, you really need to quit for your health and family, but you also know that there is life stuff that needs to be dealt with under the smoking blanket.
Regardless of where you are at in your smoking cessation journey: whether you quit multiple times and lost hope, whether you never tried and did not have a strong internal motivation, or you are fully ready to commit to the decision to stop, you need to address underlying:
Initially, you may not see all the solutions at once, or it may seem overwhelming. The solutions will not be cookie-cutter, or quick, but you know well that things will not get resolved on their own in a miraculous way, and you need to do something about it.
Everything starts with your decision to get well, to be vulnerable, to ask for help, and to allow yourself to take time to care for yourself. Because you truly deserve it and are worthy to be taken care of, whether you feel it at this moment or not.
Some people may do all they can to “tough” it out and refrain from or minimize the use of stimulants. They will try to stay strong and positive in the face of adversity, beat themselves up in the gym and look for various ways to stay afloat and functional. Yet, being torn apart by overwhelming and constant emotional pain, they may become at high risk of stress-induced cardiac arrest, stroke and other serious consequences. Negative energy, building up inside for a period of time without relief, may take a person to dangerous places, physically, emotionally, socially and professionally. The “pressure cooker” cannot withstand the pressure indefinitely.
Many people say: “I need to gain control over my stress, anxiety or depression…”
However, after working with hundreds of people, we’ve learned: trying to control a habit, a reaction or behaviour without changing internal motivation, beliefs and standards, is like trying to close a pressure cooker, put on a high setting on the stove, and to hope that it does not blow up. The truth is that most of us are not in control of every aspect of our lives. We cannot and should not control other people’s behaviours, attitudes, and life in general.
Others use the phrase: “I want to learn to cope”. Coping means managing and does not equal living to your full potential. You may be surviving, struggling internally, or having constant fights with yourself. This war and survival state may help you to get through the day, to keep your cool at work, but no one is able to hold the façade indefinitely, especially the people who are close to them.
When it comes to emotional issues, instead of trying to control, or cope (which may mean putting up with a mediocre life), the first step to healing means to stop putting your head in the sand, looking for quick fixes and patches, suppressing emotions and to start paying attention: What is going on inside of me and in my life? What pain is inside of me, and what makes me scared about this pain? What am I trying to shut down with the cigarette?
At times, we are afraid of our emotions and run away from them, like from plague. However, every emotion is a symptom that, pretty much like any physical symptom, is telling us that there is an issue that we need to address. And while no one wants to experience pain, without it you would not know that the problem even existed.
A long time ago, I was reading a story about two twin boys with a central system disorder, due to which they could not feel pain in their bodies. They both ended up jumping from the roof multiple times, breaking a number of bones, until adults stopped their “fun”. Imagine, if we never experienced psychic (or soul) pain: we would never be able to get feedback about what we need to change, or what is taking us away from our dreams and happiness. Emotional pain is simply telling us: “Look, you are not going in the right direction. You will not be happy when you get there.
We frequently are full of regrets and self-blame, when it comes to both smoking and negative emotions. Yet all emotions have reasons, they are just a symptom of what’s going on inside of us. If we are able and willing to hear their message, we’ll appreciate what these emotions do for us, and we can turn them into our friends.
When we numb our feelings with a cigarette, we do not have a chance to see what truly bothers us deep inside. Without an understanding of the root causes, the solutions will be just patches. Just like a patch on the roof. It may hold the leak temporarily, but it’s just a matter of time before a new puddle will appear and then a flood will destroy your entire house.
Anthony Robbins, the author of Lessons of Mastery, explains what our emotions may try to tell us:
10 Negative Emotions and Their Messages
| # | Feeling | Message | What to Do |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Discomfort (ex. bugged, bored, impatient, mildly embarrassed), feelings do not have intensity | Change your state, otherwise it won’t take you where you want to be | 1) Identify what it is (get to the core of the emotion) 2) Identify what do you want 3) Take an immediate small step to start changing it |
| 2 | Fear (ex. concerned, apprehensive, scared, terrified, worried, anxious) | Prepare to deal with something or prevent | Prepare for what’s coming (a job, paying bills etc.) |
| 3 | Hurt: comes from a sense of loss | Your expectations were not met, and you feel loss | Maybe they did not mean to hurt, or you did not communicate respectfully? Were your expectations reasonable? Did the person know about them? |
| 4 | Anger (ex. mildly irritated, furious, livid, enraged, resentful) | Unexpressed hurts that accumulate. Important rule in your life is violated. | Communicate that you have a standard, but it is only yours, and you do not expect them to do it, but need help. |
| 5 | Frustration (held back or hindered in pursuit | Your approach how you deal with life isn’t working. | Be more flexible. Stop and take a breath to smell roses. Believe that there is solution to everything. |
| 6 | Disappointment: you expected something, and it did not happen – you feel sad about it, defeated. | The expected outcome will not happen, unless you choose more appropriate or effective methods. | Allow more time, lower your expectations. While taking personal accountability, do not expect that others will foresee or do everything they “should”. |
| 7 | Guilt= regret | You violate your own standards and need to do something about it. | Make things right, if you screw up (avoidance and ego will aggravate things), forgive yourself. |
| 8 | Inadequacy= feeling unworthy, or less worthy | You were not working on or growing in that direction. | Do something to grow in that area. You don’t have to be perfect at it. Yet getting competent will make you feel confident. |
| 9 | Overwhelmed=overloaded, depressed, hopeless, more than you can handle | Re-evaluate what is most important for you, not what your desires are; chunk it down | Chunk it down. Choose 3 priorities, handle 1 simple issue right away. |
| 10 | Loneliness | Need Connection | Maybe they just need to be in a different place now? Nurture your relationships. Slow down. |
Twenty-five-year-old Michael came with his mom, as he referred to himself, as a “Plus one”. His mom truly hoped that he’d stop abusing alcohol and smoking. Michael did not have this in his personal plans (being of Russian descent, it was unthinkable for him to say goodbye to socially drinking vodka). I nodded my head.
It is impossible to make someone quit without them having a compelling motivation to do so, never mind against their will (in most cases such attempts have the opposite effect). I asked Michael whether there was any goal he’d like to work on in particular for himself. He did not have anything specific in mind but eagerly agreed to the list of treatments offered to him, based on his health assessment.
One of the sessions on Michael’s list was emotional wellness coaching and support. When he saw it, Michael wasn’t sure whether it was something he wanted to do but he decided to take it. To his surprise, he found the session extremely beneficial. He requested one more. And one more.
When we got together for our mid-program celebration, Michael got up and said: “I did not realize how much “stuff” was inside of me. I am so surprised and so glad I am able to start dealing with it. I came as a “Plus one”, but I do not feel like that anymore. Energies of people here create special vibrations, in which we all start opening up and healing.”
A few days later, when I came for a morning check-up, Michael was not there. I asked his mom where he was. She said that he stopped drinking and was going through some alcohol withdrawal… I was to make an important comment: we are not a rehab, and we do not work with hard alcohol addiction. Due to the fact that it is not a controlled environment, we are just not the best at it… Michael did not have severe alcohol dependency and could fully control it.
We put Michael on an enhanced detox protocol and let him continue his healing process at his own pace. Next week, we had a few people coming to quit smoking, and we were preparing their Quit Smoking packages. I went to Michael and asked him, whether he wanted to join. He said: “No, I told you, I am not planning to quit.”
A few days later, Michael’s mom came to me and said: Michael quit smoking. I said, “What? This cannot be true. He told me himself he was not planning to do so.” She answered, “I know, but he did.” I was confused and decided not to ask Michael about it, as he already two or three times requested not to insist on him quitting. However, after we just finished the Quit Smoking orientation, he showed up and said: “May I get the quit smoking support package and orientation, too?” I said: “Of course, with pleasure.”
As the program session was coming to an end, it was great to see Michael and his mom, both smiling and happy. When you start working on the deep-rooted pains, traumas and suppressed emotions – when you start releasing all that garbage, you benefit in so many ways. When you feel empowered to make changes in your life that you were dreaming about but did not know how to, you may realize that you do not need smoking to numb your feelings or to cope anymore. When toxins leave your body and your head gets clearer, when your digestion and body chemistry start working the way they should – you can see the world, yourself and your habit in a totally new way. Michael is not the only one, we’ve seen many others. Here I would like to make another disclaimer: we will not be able to make you quit or fix your depression.
You need to have a compelling desire to get well, to become vulnerable and to actively participate in the healing process, to follow the program structure. Everyone who did, succeeded. You just need to believe you can and will get well and to be open and look at the “skeletons” in your closet – those traumas, beliefs and values that are underneath your smoking addiction and that keep you from living a happy and healthy life.
I wish I could tell you: “Come to Fresh Start, and we’ll help you quit in 2.5 hrs.” But I know that it takes much more than that. If you feel that you are tired of quick fixes and are ready to invest your time, energy, finances into transforming not just your smoking habit, but changing your entire life, realizing that it will require as much investing yourself after – Fresh Start is the right place for you. Smoking is just a symptom, and if you want to quit for good, you need to start addressing the root cause. And we can help.
Therese came to Fresh Start with only the intention to improve her depression but was surprised she was able to also quit smoking, to her surprise – without cravings. Here is her story:
Therese, ON, Canada
April came suffering with grief and smoking. Please listen to her results:
April, North Carolina, Canada
While we have a lot of success stories, of how our guests both improved depression or grief and stopped smoking, some people with advanced depression were not ready to simultaneously let go of smoking. If your depression level is extreme (ex. you are not able to work, need a family member to stay with you, or require a lot of 1-on-1 attention and counselling on a daily basis), the Fresh Start programs may not be the best option for you. While we have helped many people with depression and anxiety, we are not a medical facility and are not staffed for such intensive care. Typically, you’ll see a life coach or counsellor 1-2 times per week, and there will be multiple body and/ or energy treatments included. We are not able to check in with guests in their rooms or provide 24-hr. care on demand. You need to have a strong determination to quit smoking and to be able to follow the program structure (come for drinks and meals, classes) in a group environment.
We cannot guarantee that your results will be similar to the ones in these testimonials, as it depends on the personal dedication and other factors.
